America Is Great

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

6. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

10. If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

11. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

12. If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

13. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

14. 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

15. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

16. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

17. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer..

18. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister

You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an ID. And you said "Bout What?"

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the men's room at the Flying J Truck Stop

The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist

You think there's nothin' wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr. and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines"

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner every year

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-track tapes

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow (now your wife), but she can't touch it until she's fourteen

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins "For a good time call..."

You have a bumper sticker that says "My mom's an honor student at S. Little Rock Jr. High"

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it

The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray

Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one

They raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools

Your family always goes to movies in groups of 18 or more because they were told 17 and under are not admitted

You think the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition

When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God

Look at the number four on a clock face that uses Roman numerals. If the clock is made correctly then the Roman numeral four is wrong. The standard and correct way to write the Roman numeral four is "IV," but the traditional way to show it on a clock face is "IIII." Legend has it that a clock was made for a British king. When he saw the clock he mis-informedly corrected the clock maker who re-did the clock face to show a "IIII" instead of an "IV" thus not risking offending the king. Other clock makers followed suit so as not to embarrass the king. Now it is the traditional way to make clocks.

June Foray, the voice of Talking Tina from the classic Twilight Zone episode "Living Doll", was also the voice of Rocky the talking squirrel from "Rocky & Bullwinkle".

The dunce cap of schoolhouse fame originates from a paper cone that was placed on the heads of accused witches during the Middle Ages. When Joan of Arc was martyred, she was wearing one of them.

Jacques Cousteau invented scuba gear while in the French resistance during World War II.

"Halloween" took place in the town of Haddonfield, Illinois but almost all the cars in the film had California license plates.

No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

Boys who have unusual first names are more likely to have mental problems than boys with conventional names. Girls don't seem to have this problem.

In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.'

The NY phone book had 22 Hitlers before WWII. The NY phone book had 0 Hitlers after WWII.